Dear Mr. Conan O'Brien,
In light of recent events -- in which a no-talent assclown held a clueless television network hostage until said network shot itself even deeper in the foot and succumbed to aforementioned no-talent assclown's demands, putting you and your wonderful show in a very tough position -- I write you this letter. I just read your own letter of resignation, and I applaud you for making difficult sacrifices in order to preserve the most established -- though now forever jeopardized -- franchise in the history of broadcast television. Now that you have effectively quit "The Tonight Show" and will be leaving NBC with your dignity in tact, I am sure you have got a bevy of options for your next endeavor on the table and will spend the appropriate amount of time carefully weighing each one. FOX is rumored to be in pursuit of your talents, and ABC has also been mentioned as a possible suitor. However, allow me to present you with another option, less heralded but no less important: coming to work for Stark Online.
It's okay if you haven't heard of us, because not many people have. We are a young blog with roots in New York City and Northeastern Pennsylvania covering mostly independendent music, but we are looking to expand our fledgling empire, and we believe someone with your stature presents us with the perfect opportunity to do so. We'd like to formally invite you to join the Stark team, which already includes over five (five!) different contributors. All you have to do is this: you and your writing and producing team will film a daily hour-long show with comedy bits and celebrity guests and upload it to a YouTube account of your choice. That's it! We'll do the rest. We can then embed that YouTube video into this blog, and stream it to over 300 (300!) of our daily visitors. We can't actually offer you the viewership or money that say, a FOX, can. But we can offer you a winning smile, and the occasional linking on The Music Slut and Brooklyn Vegan. Most importantly, we will offer you the job security and friendship that NBC never could provide for you, not to mention a more formidable lead-in than a failed 10 p.m. talk show: a couple of copied-and-pasted press releases with free, downloadable mp3s.
In closing, I sincerely appreciate your consideration of our offer. We've been gigantic fans of yours forever, and we all hope you'll decide to join our family and start a happy, healthy relationship with us for years to come. Also, Fuck Jay Leno.
Cordially,
Andrew Daniels
Editor and Co-Founder of Stark Online
