THOUGHTS FROM MY LUNCH HOUR by Andrew Daniels
Weezer, I'd like to see you in my office, please. I've been a bit lenient in allowing you to sneak away from the scene of your crimes relatively unscathed for the better part of the decade, but no, just no, I can't do that anymore. I told myself I was strong, so this is me being strong. Your recent live debut of two new songs is the straw that breaks this camel's back. Weezer, you are awful now.
I can no longer defend your mediocrity anymore in hopes of you one day recapturing your gloried past. Not happening. I turned a blind eye as I refused to see the signs of your progressive decay. When The Green Album came out and was 28 minutes of formulaic dreck devoid of any emotion, I said, "it's okay, because you're back! You just need to find your footing after such a long layoff." Maladroit was no better than Def Leppard with a French title, but those demos were so great! You must have been saving all the good songs for the next one. You promised me that Make Believe was a return to form, but it was only a return to your 2001 boring form! With an extra side of cheese! And then The Red Album. Oh, The Red Album. Remember when you leaked the 30-second clip of "Pork And Beans" that sounded so much like Blue and Pinkerton and got me stoked on your band again? But Rivers, remember when you had the unfortunate idea of letting your bandmates sing their own songs on the album and it ended up sounding like Creed? That's probably when I knew my love affair with you guys was over, but I still held that glimmer of hope.
No. These two new songs just shit on my face. And break my heart at the same time, extra points for that. What happened to you guys? Old age? Meditation? Asian wives? Rick Rubin? I guess it's time for a new generation of hopeless kids to fawn over gems like "I'm Your Daddy" and "The Girl Got Hot" the way I did with "Falling For You" and "Butterfly" all those years ago. Expulsion for all of you. Back to class, pack your things, I've called your parents to pick you up. Good luck in your future endeavors.
i. am. dying.
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